1) People-pleasing / approval chasing

Example incident: You’re asked to help with something “small” (again). You say yes automatically, even though you’re tired and already behind. Later that day you feel irritated for no clear reason, and in your head you’re rehearsing how unfair it is. You don’t cancel, but you also don’t feel warm about it.

Common strategy: Moving toward people (over-adapting to avoid tension).

Typical cost: Burnout, quiet anger, loss of boundaries.

2) Perfectionism and rigid “shoulds”

Example incident: You sit down to do something important and immediately start thinking about how it should look when it’s finished. The “correct” version feels so far away that starting feels pointless. You open the file, adjust a few details, then decide you need more time to do it properly. Two hours later, nothing exists except a nicer folder name.

Common strategy: Idealized standards + self-criticism as control.

Typical cost: Paralysis, chronic guilt, joyless work.

3) Avoidance / procrastination

Example incident: You need to send a simple message: confirm, ask, clarify. You read it three times, then think, “I’ll do it later when I can write it better.” A day passes, then two. The task turns from “send a message” into “explain why I vanished.” You avoid it harder because now it feels awkward and exposed.

Common strategy: Withdrawal to avoid exposure or failure.

Typical cost: Anxiety grows, self-trust drops.

4) Shame spirals / harsh inner judge

Example incident: You make a small mistake: forget, misread, say something slightly off. Immediately there’s a drop in your stomach and a familiar voice starts: “Of course you did. Typical.” Nothing catastrophic happened, but you feel dirty and tense like you’re about to be rejected.

Common strategy: Self-attack as an attempt to prevent future rejection.

Typical cost: Low energy, isolation, rumination.

5) Conflict avoidance

Example incident: Someone close to you does something that bothers you. You swallow it, tell yourself it’s not worth it, and act normal. But your tone changes, you answer shorter, you “forget” to reply, you stop offering warmth. You don’t want a fight, yet you quietly punish them and feel resentful that they don’t notice.

Common strategy: Moving toward (appease) or away (withdraw) to avoid conflict.

Typical cost: Resentment, passive aggression, relationship drift.

6) Overcontrol / dominance reflex

Example incident: In a conversation, someone says something you disagree with. You feel a quick heat, like you have to correct it now or you’ll lose ground. You sharpen your point, give examples, push for precision. Afterward you replay it and realize you weren’t trying to understand them, you were trying to win, and somehow you feel both triumphant and alone.

Common strategy: Moving against people to avoid helplessness.

Typical cost: Tension, loneliness, escalating conflicts.

7) Withdrawal / emotional distancing

Example incident: Things with someone start to feel closer and more real: they write warmly, invite you in, want to talk. Instead of feeling happy, you feel pressured and slightly irritated. You delay replying, make yourself busy, and tell yourself you’re “fine on your own.” Later you feel oddly empty and wonder why closeness always comes with a need to escape.

Common strategy: Moving away to preserve safety and autonomy.

Typical cost: Loneliness, missed intimacy, “no one really knows me.”

8) Jealousy / comparison loops

Example incident: You scroll and see someone doing well: a new project, attention, progress, a life that looks neat. You feel a sting and your mind instantly starts measuring: “They’re ahead. I’m late.” You look again, then again, as if checking the wound. You can’t enjoy your own day because you’re trapped in a silent competition you never agreed to enter.

Common strategy: Status scanning as a safety measure.

Typical cost: Joy shrinks, motivation becomes punishment.

9) Over-responsibility / rescuing

Example incident: Someone you care about is upset or struggling. You jump in with solutions, messages, reminders, suggestions, emotional labor. At first it feels good to be useful, then you start feeling used, like your time is disappearing. When they don’t change or don’t thank you the right way, you get angry and think, “Why do I always have to carry this?”

Common strategy: Being needed as a source of safety and worth.

Typical cost: Exhaustion, covert contracts, disappointment.

10) Recurring relationship loops

Example incident: You notice the same relationship plot repeating.

Common strategy: A fixed “solution” for safety runs automatically.

Typical cost: Same story with different people.